Luckily I didn't have any violent dreams again last night!!
My Mom and Stepdad are coming to visit this weekend and I'm so excited. There's nothing like spending easter weekend with family. So now I'm going to try and relax and just enjoy this weekend.
Someone once sent me this scripture and I really am trying to live my life according to it, even though it doesn't seem like it at times.
John 14:27 says: "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
For everyone I wish a peacefull and blessed Easter.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Start of a new week
Monday. I hope today is going to be a good day. As usual, I couldn't sleep last night and thought of everything that could have been and should have been. And what did I do to deserve this. Is it because of my dad? I don't know. I haven't had contact with my dad for more than seven years. His reaction when I told him I was pregnant with my first boy was ' we'll see'. Huh?! We'll see what? I had a very difficult pregnancy that time. I ended up in hospital a couple of times with Placenta Previa and my son was born prem at 35 weeks. He didn't even phone afterwards to find out if he was healthy, or alive, for that matter. I worry about him sometimes, and feel guilty, but how can you force someone to care or love someone when they're just not interrested? I refuse to waste my time like that. My son doesn't know he has another granddad and I'm not planning on telling him anytime soon. I won't go into my childhood memories now, just know that they're not good.
I haven't heard from my FS yet. He's probably overseas - he's quite the globe trotter!! I've decided to count my cycle from my little splash I had last week, instead of starting my Provera on Thursday, and then I'll see what happens. If Af shows her head in the mean time, great!! If not, I'll just have to wait and see what happens after I take the Provera. So today will then be CD5.
This has been such a rollercoaster ride and the irony is that if my boy had lived I would have welcomed Asherman's with open arms. I previously had terribly heavy periods and now just a splash, which obviously isn't good when ttc.
I know it's a terrible thought (dream) but I had a dream last night of smashing something very heavy in my previous gynea's face! He was my gynea when I was pregnant with my little angel. He was the one I went to when I realised something wasn't right after his birth. He was the one who did my first two surgeries. He was the one who told me, after my second surgery, that my tubes are both blocked. He was the one who damaged me further in my second surgery that my period didn't return, at all. I ran into him a while back and he asked me what's going on and I told him in broad strokes and also highlighted the fact that my one tube is actually open, after which he smiled and said that 'now we can make babies again'. That actually happened, but in my dream that was the last straw and I just took something, I think it was a pot plant, and just smashed it in his face. I know I have anger issues, but luckily in my dream no one died. If he had just considered life more important than his beauty sleep!!
I haven't heard from my FS yet. He's probably overseas - he's quite the globe trotter!! I've decided to count my cycle from my little splash I had last week, instead of starting my Provera on Thursday, and then I'll see what happens. If Af shows her head in the mean time, great!! If not, I'll just have to wait and see what happens after I take the Provera. So today will then be CD5.
This has been such a rollercoaster ride and the irony is that if my boy had lived I would have welcomed Asherman's with open arms. I previously had terribly heavy periods and now just a splash, which obviously isn't good when ttc.
I know it's a terrible thought (dream) but I had a dream last night of smashing something very heavy in my previous gynea's face! He was my gynea when I was pregnant with my little angel. He was the one I went to when I realised something wasn't right after his birth. He was the one who did my first two surgeries. He was the one who told me, after my second surgery, that my tubes are both blocked. He was the one who damaged me further in my second surgery that my period didn't return, at all. I ran into him a while back and he asked me what's going on and I told him in broad strokes and also highlighted the fact that my one tube is actually open, after which he smiled and said that 'now we can make babies again'. That actually happened, but in my dream that was the last straw and I just took something, I think it was a pot plant, and just smashed it in his face. I know I have anger issues, but luckily in my dream no one died. If he had just considered life more important than his beauty sleep!!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Thank goodness it's weekend - well, almost!!
Oh my word!! As if I haven't got enough to do, everyone keeps interrupting my work to ask me stupid questions which I don't know the answer to. I mean, if I'm not involved in a specific situation, would I know the answer to a question relating to that situation? Do I look like I know what everyone's doing and thinking? I don't know EVERYTHING!!
I think these damn hormones are stuffing my brain up!! I've seriously got a chemical imbalance!! I feel so frustrated. Probably mostly because I'm so dissappointed. I just wish I could wipe the last three years out and do it again. I would absolutely do some things differently. And then I would enjoy and appreciate my pregnancy more. I never thought that I would not be able to have more kids. I never thought that I would have to bury a child. I never thought that I would walk around with such a pain in my chest and eyes burning from unshed tears. I did thought however that something so dramatic would make me let go and just break down. That hasn't happened yet. Guess I'm stronger than I thought though it doesn't feel like it from this side. I don't do things (even to get out of bed) because I want to, but because I have to. Because if I don't, there's no-one else to get up and do what I'm supposed to do. My motivation in life is my beautifull, 6 year old boy. And just the thought of losing him too brings tears to my eyes. I can't understand how so many people gets given the gift of life just to neglect and break them. A child is the most precious gift in life and if those fortunate people can just take a look around they'll see how many of us are longing to hold a tiny body in our arms. To feel those little feet kick in your belly. Maybe they can try and appreciate their children more. Just remember - a precious gift like this can be taken away just as easily as it was given.
I think these damn hormones are stuffing my brain up!! I've seriously got a chemical imbalance!! I feel so frustrated. Probably mostly because I'm so dissappointed. I just wish I could wipe the last three years out and do it again. I would absolutely do some things differently. And then I would enjoy and appreciate my pregnancy more. I never thought that I would not be able to have more kids. I never thought that I would have to bury a child. I never thought that I would walk around with such a pain in my chest and eyes burning from unshed tears. I did thought however that something so dramatic would make me let go and just break down. That hasn't happened yet. Guess I'm stronger than I thought though it doesn't feel like it from this side. I don't do things (even to get out of bed) because I want to, but because I have to. Because if I don't, there's no-one else to get up and do what I'm supposed to do. My motivation in life is my beautifull, 6 year old boy. And just the thought of losing him too brings tears to my eyes. I can't understand how so many people gets given the gift of life just to neglect and break them. A child is the most precious gift in life and if those fortunate people can just take a look around they'll see how many of us are longing to hold a tiny body in our arms. To feel those little feet kick in your belly. Maybe they can try and appreciate their children more. Just remember - a precious gift like this can be taken away just as easily as it was given.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
A prayer
Dear God, with this prayer
I call to mind my friends.
I ask for your blessings on them.
May angels fill their nights
And bless their days.
as well as their families
May they find joy and peace and harmony.
May I be a source of happiness in their lives.
May our bond be strong and based on truth.
May they always know that
In me, there is love & they have support.
I love them Lord, will you please keep them.
May I live a life that
lives up to this prayer.
Thank you God...Amen.
Let the day begin
Today is going to be hectic. Luckily I will be so busy with month-end duties that I will have no or little chance to think of anything else.
I sent an e-mail to my fs yesterday and hope he replies today. After almost three years of waiting for the next cycle to see what will happen, I'm exhausted. I want to be fixed now. I want to be able to have proper hope every month.
So, let the day begin.....
I sent an e-mail to my fs yesterday and hope he replies today. After almost three years of waiting for the next cycle to see what will happen, I'm exhausted. I want to be fixed now. I want to be able to have proper hope every month.
So, let the day begin.....
Journey to God
Journey to God
Anyone looking for inspiration can have a look at this. God's Girl has carried me through this these last couple of months, going through something similar. Her story so far, though has a happy ending, whereas I'm still waiting for mine.
GG, if you somehow get to my site, congrats on the birth of you beautiful baby girl a.k.a. God's Miracle!!
Anyone looking for inspiration can have a look at this. God's Girl has carried me through this these last couple of months, going through something similar. Her story so far, though has a happy ending, whereas I'm still waiting for mine.
GG, if you somehow get to my site, congrats on the birth of you beautiful baby girl a.k.a. God's Miracle!!
Fertilicare - South Africa - Online Infertility Support Community
Nobody would probably admit this, but a 'safe haven' is addictive!! This is my little peace of heaven where I can go to and communicate with people who have the closest idea of what I'm going through.
Fertilicare - South Africa - Online Infertility Support Community
Fertilicare - South Africa - Online Infertility Support Community
A bad day
I'm probably starting this on a whim, but I get really bad days and today is one of them. I feel so depressed today I just feel like crying. I had an op two weeks ago with very high hopes and now it seems like I'm back to square one. I can't take this anymore, but how can I quit? I don't think I can. I would not only be depriving my son of a sibling but myself of my dream. How can one move on when someone has stolen so much from you? Not only my child, but also my ability to conceive and carry a child. And there's nothing I can do about it except for procedure after procedure to try and repair the damage. I take my hat of to Dr D. Not anyone would consider attempting to fix someone else's mess. I hope and pray that next month will be a better one.
Dear Lord,
Thank you so much for everything I have and everything I am. You do so much without me asking and yet I somehow forget to thank You. Please help me to rise above this and take this hopeless and helpless feeling from me as I know in You ANYTHING is possible. Bless my family today Lord.
Thank You
Amen
Dear Lord,
Thank you so much for everything I have and everything I am. You do so much without me asking and yet I somehow forget to thank You. Please help me to rise above this and take this hopeless and helpless feeling from me as I know in You ANYTHING is possible. Bless my family today Lord.
Thank You
Amen
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