So much happened...

In the last two weeks so much happened. I had a very slight period. Very very light, but it was there. At least I know now more or less where I am in my cycle and I sold 95 bottles of chilli relish! I thank God every day for giving me this ability to do something with my hands. It's such a blessing as there are a LOT of people out there that can't even boil water or toast bread. I'm so gratefull.

Don't you find these on-line 'how to make money fast' schemes frustrating? Buy a starter kit on how to make a website about 'how to make money fast', advertise that website on other sites, convince other people to buy 'the kit' and the process starts all over again. I want to do something honest - data capturing or anything to get a second income (which will probably be my primary income should I lose my job) and everything on the web is just schemes. People who thrive on conning people. Frustrating.

My (.)(.)s have been a little sensitive this last week or two, but it's subsiding now. No headache yet and no serious depression. That is always on the background, it's just worse at 'that time of the month'. Not a drop of anything yet. Thursday will be day 28 since my last 'drop', but since I didn't take any HRT I probably shouldn't expect anything. It's very frustrating not knowing where you are in your cycle. I know I've given up the ttc thing for now, but since I started my period about 20 years ago you know that your body is cycling every month. Now the main 'symptom' of knowing what your body's doing is gone. It should be a blessing, but it's not.

About a month ago I couldn't breathe. I literally felt like I'm on the verge of a panic attack all day every day. If I sensed the slightest bit of conflict around me (and believe me there's a lot on a good day) I would start to shake and hyperventilate. I bought myself a little booklet with bible verses and inspirational thoughts in and started reading it day and night. I've read it at least three times already and I have to say that I feel better these days. Calm. I still worry about what the future holds - I don't think I'll ever be able to NOT worry - but I know it's not in my hands and that God looks after His children. You may not always understand the path chosen for you, but it's God's will for you. And His will is not for his children to suffer. Everything will be ok. He will carry me through this difficult time and show me what to do to help the people around me.

. Deu 31:6


Be strong and of good courage, do not fear or be in dread of them: for it is the Lord your God who goes with you; he will not fail you or forsake you."

My Mom's got this great (self-invented) recipe for a chilli relish. Now me being me I just had to also try making it as I love cooking and my DH loves his chilli sauce. Well, I tried it last weekend for the first time and it was ok (according to DH - I don't eat chilli anything). He took a bottle with him for his friends to taste and sold all three bottles I made. I made it again this weekend and we went to a braai yesterday and also took a bottle along. Nothing came home except for orders for ten more. Guess what I'm doing tonight?!

Not much I can do now for everyone else here except hope and pray, but for myself I've sent my CV through to a couple of places and searched through every online 'job-site' to see if there's something here I can do. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that I find something very very soon.

Today is our 10th annerversary! Can't believe it. I know most of you will say - so?. But please keep in mind that I'm not even 30 yet. Will only be later on this year.

I know my af is on it's way because I feel more and more 'down'. With the stress of the business going down my 'down' phases lasts longer and longer. But I can honestly say that I've been focussing on ou Heavenly Father lately and his Promise that everything will be ok, and I feel a lot better. I prayed to him to give me the knowledge to do something to get the business out of this hole, and I've been wracking my brain lately. From selling the business, buying the business and loans or the boss selling his house. Faxing through ads to our old customers, current customers and new customers. So far it hasn't really helped, but one can still hope. If things don't change soon or a miracle doesn't come our way we will all be out of work within a month or two. The worst part of that will be that my boss (FIL) will lose his house and everything which means that my dear MIL, who's still working at 60+ (struggling with a bad back and osteoperosis) will have to bloody work till she dies. This is really so unfair. And on top of that we'll have to cancel the medical aid, which means my BIL can't get his kidney. I'm so afraid for what the future holds for us, but I know we'll be ok, but how can I help my MIL to make her 'old day' a better one than the one she's facing? How can I help my BIL to get his kidney without money? Even though it's very cruel of me to think that way, it seems like the only way we'll get out of this crap is if someone dies and the insurance pays out. Hopefully we'll find a solution very soon.

I contacted my fs last week and he advised me that the best option for me at this stage will be surrogacy. I can't afford that. So this is the end of my ttc journey. At least for now. There's too much going on in my life at this stage in any case to really worry about ttc now.

The company I work for is in HUGE financial difficulty and I really don't know how long it'll be before we close our doors. Then my DH and I will both be out of work. I just don't know what to do to improve things as we have the kidney worry as well now and if our doors close, we'll have to resign our medical aid as well.Things are just so unsure right now and I spent my days praying to God that all will be well and doing my best to believe that it is. There's just some moments that I feel as though I'm choking or suffocating. I wake up in the middle of the night and have trouble falling asleep again. Then I just lay in bed praying and thanking God for everything I have that I don't thank him for. I don't know what the future holds, but at this moment I do still have a job, house, car, food, love and loads of other things that lots and lots of people don't have and that's reason enough to be very thankfull. And I am.

Feeling lost

I'm really trying to just let go of everything in my life that's bothering me, but it's really hard. Never in my life have I been able to not worry. I worry about everything.

So I had that microscopic splash about two weeks ago and two more, half a day apart. The irony of this whole Asherman's thing is that if my boy had lived I would have welcomed it with open arms. Now I really detest it with all I am, and the sad part is that I can't do anything about it. And it looks like no amount of surgeries I do will help. I am no closer to actively trying than I was two and a half years ago. The difference is that then I didn't know what I know now, and it seems like sometimes it's better to not know.

How do you know when to give up? I've prayed and prayed and tried to be strong. How do I know that what I'm praying for is God's plan for my life? How do I know what I'm praying for is NOT God's plan for my life, and that I'm just a tad impatient? I know that I can only by miracle become pregnant at this stage of my life and accept that - I just wish it was easier to just forget and move on. You know, let things happen when they happen, if they happen, but I need to somehow feel a bit 'in control'. I know, that's my whole problem, but it's not easy to just fall into a river, not knowing if you can swim.

Through all of evryting else that's going on (or not going on) in my life I'm so thankfull for my wonderfull husband and absolutely stunning son. They are absolutely a tower of strength.

I don't say it nearly enough but 'Thank you God for giving me these two people in my life whom I don't deserve. They are too good for me.'