Hi everyone. As I'm actually now WORKING I'm so busy during the day I have time for nothing else. Which probably is a good thing. I'm learning very fast and enjoy my work. Once I have all the previous crap sorted I'll probably have more time to spend on the 'net, but until then it's just work, work, work.

My Mom and Stepdad came to visit this weekend and what a hectic weekend! I'm so tired, but will have to wait till next weekend to recharge. Hopefully this week flies!

I started my new job yesterday. Debtors at a hotel. Still crazy, but I'll learn fast enough.

I went for another interview this morning .... the GM didn't even pitch. I don't think I want to work for someone like that. And the salary is not what I want it to be. Man, I wish I could just magically do something and everything will be better. For everyone. Every night when I go to bed I pray to God to give me the insight and knowledge to make things better for all of us. I don't want much, I don't want to be rich, I just want enough to get out of this shit. I want the family business to be able to cope for at least the time it'll take for the kidney transplant to happen. And I want another job. I can usually cope under pressure and do my best work at time like that - you know, when you've got purpose. But the atmosphere here is just toxic and I can't take it anymore. The other day my boss (FIL) went on a shouting spree and I sort of mumbled I wish he would just not shout and he said it's his place and he can shout all he wants and if someone doesn't like it they must take their things and f$%&off. I am truly miserable and even though I try to fight it and try to control it, my moods or depression or whatever you call them are back. I just feel like crying and wish a car would hit me. Sad, I know. I should probably go see someone, but when I found out the costs involved with a psychiatrist (needed a report for the transplant) I nearly fell on my back. For someone to (try to) sort me out it's going to take a whole shitload of money. I've got lots and lots of issues going WAAAAYYY back. I just try to not show them, but as time goes by and as they multiply it gets harder and harder.

Just adding fuel to the fire, my BIL's nephrologist said that the kidney thing is definitely a hereditary condition and we should at some stage consider testing our boy. Great!

I didn't get the job! I'm heartbroken. It was the ideal opportunity for me. Great salary, half day. Bliss. I would've been able to spend more time with my boy and do more things that I've always wanted to. Now I have to look further and hope I stay sane enough to go for interviews. I hate not being a 'people's person'. unfortunately I am not one of those people who can lie and say that they can do things that they can't. But fortunately for me I'm an incredible fast learner. I still remember the first day I walked into my first job. This is actually a very funny story....

The first company I worked for (a pharmacy) had three directors. Two 'older' gentlemen, best friends and a younger guy (he was more the manager, the other two didn't like dealing with 'issues'). The one older guy looked exactly like a teacher in my High school - he was kicked out because he was running a brothel on the side (the teacher, that is)!! I got such a fright walking in there for the first time, thinking what the hell was he doing here!?!?! But in the end I got to love him like I did my Granddad. He was such a loving, caring gentleman and passed away when I was pregnant with my eldest (colon cancer). It broke my heart.

Anyways, I got side tracked - the first day I walked in there and thought he was an ex brothel owner, I asked him where I should switch on the computer and he told be he'll be f*#$&d if he knows, he'll get someone. Oh man, I laughed. If I think what I've learned in the last twelve years.... It's just a pity people don't want to give you a chance if you haven't got the papers. Unfortunately not all of us are in positions to study further.

Well, we went to Jhb for the renal ct scan on Friday (TRAFFIC!!) and guess what. DH also has a underdeveloped kidney. So he's out. Now it's me. Problem is - our medical aid is now kapoet. With me donating it has to go to the Dept of Health and they said it could take three to six months. Now we obviously need to pay the accounts and claim back once the transplant is done, but I don't have ten grand for all the tests to do that - especially since the dr said he's not doing the op until my BIL stops smoking, and he hasn't yet. And if I should also fall out of the bus we are responsible for those accounts, so I don't want to do any of this on credit. So confused as to what to do because I really want to help him. Guess I'll have to pull out my bag of tricks and start maiking magic chilli relish!

I think (hope) it went ok. Please Lord, if this is meant to be, please let it be. It seems like the answer to my problems at the moment.

We'll be going to Jhb for tests again on Friday. Please hold thumbs that there doesn't pop up a broblem now.

I have an interview tomorrow! Very nervous!

I'm sick. Nothing serious, just a bad cold. But when you don't feel well physically, you tend to also not feel well emotionally. So I'm a bit fragile at the moment. I insisted that my DH go to the dr yesterday as he also has a nasty cough (have to do a chest x-ray yesterday for the transplant and I don't want something to be wrong) and he tagged me along. So at least I have some meds and should be fine again in a day or two. Luckily it's weekend. Yay.

My DH sold almost all my chilli again yesterday. So we're standing on about 111 bottles sold so far. Hopefully it keeps going like this. Hopefully the demand will be so great soon that we can't keep up!

I must admit - I've been lazy this last couple of days. I sold my last couple of bottles of chilli and haven't made any more yet. But we got the ingredients and will be making again tonight. I would love to be able to quit my job and do it full time, but we've still got a long way to go to do that.

My BIL went in for a fistula op on Monday and the dr said that once we've done the renal angiogram (next week Friday) we must go up to JHB again in about a week's time for the appointments with the surgeons and some blood tests again and then in about a week from then they'll do the transplant. I'm so happy for my BIL that this is coming to a point now, but at the same time I'm absolutely terrified. Having to deal with my DH's pain (he hasn't been for more than three op's in his life), the hectic JHB traffic etc. (I will NEVER send him to do this on his own) and then the fact that two of the three technicians in our business will be out of action for a couple of weeks is really scary. How will we survive this financially when things are rocky on a good day at the moment? I hate having to worry about money. It's an earthly thing that definately doesn't buy happiness but without it ...... I pray every day that God gives me the strength to cope with anything through the day and the wisdome to make the right choices in everything I do. I will keep on doing that and just try not to think about tomorrow as that makes me scared. I just hope and pray that everything will go well with this op.

So much happened...

In the last two weeks so much happened. I had a very slight period. Very very light, but it was there. At least I know now more or less where I am in my cycle and I sold 95 bottles of chilli relish! I thank God every day for giving me this ability to do something with my hands. It's such a blessing as there are a LOT of people out there that can't even boil water or toast bread. I'm so gratefull.

Don't you find these on-line 'how to make money fast' schemes frustrating? Buy a starter kit on how to make a website about 'how to make money fast', advertise that website on other sites, convince other people to buy 'the kit' and the process starts all over again. I want to do something honest - data capturing or anything to get a second income (which will probably be my primary income should I lose my job) and everything on the web is just schemes. People who thrive on conning people. Frustrating.

My (.)(.)s have been a little sensitive this last week or two, but it's subsiding now. No headache yet and no serious depression. That is always on the background, it's just worse at 'that time of the month'. Not a drop of anything yet. Thursday will be day 28 since my last 'drop', but since I didn't take any HRT I probably shouldn't expect anything. It's very frustrating not knowing where you are in your cycle. I know I've given up the ttc thing for now, but since I started my period about 20 years ago you know that your body is cycling every month. Now the main 'symptom' of knowing what your body's doing is gone. It should be a blessing, but it's not.

About a month ago I couldn't breathe. I literally felt like I'm on the verge of a panic attack all day every day. If I sensed the slightest bit of conflict around me (and believe me there's a lot on a good day) I would start to shake and hyperventilate. I bought myself a little booklet with bible verses and inspirational thoughts in and started reading it day and night. I've read it at least three times already and I have to say that I feel better these days. Calm. I still worry about what the future holds - I don't think I'll ever be able to NOT worry - but I know it's not in my hands and that God looks after His children. You may not always understand the path chosen for you, but it's God's will for you. And His will is not for his children to suffer. Everything will be ok. He will carry me through this difficult time and show me what to do to help the people around me.

. Deu 31:6


Be strong and of good courage, do not fear or be in dread of them: for it is the Lord your God who goes with you; he will not fail you or forsake you."

My Mom's got this great (self-invented) recipe for a chilli relish. Now me being me I just had to also try making it as I love cooking and my DH loves his chilli sauce. Well, I tried it last weekend for the first time and it was ok (according to DH - I don't eat chilli anything). He took a bottle with him for his friends to taste and sold all three bottles I made. I made it again this weekend and we went to a braai yesterday and also took a bottle along. Nothing came home except for orders for ten more. Guess what I'm doing tonight?!

Not much I can do now for everyone else here except hope and pray, but for myself I've sent my CV through to a couple of places and searched through every online 'job-site' to see if there's something here I can do. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that I find something very very soon.

Today is our 10th annerversary! Can't believe it. I know most of you will say - so?. But please keep in mind that I'm not even 30 yet. Will only be later on this year.

I know my af is on it's way because I feel more and more 'down'. With the stress of the business going down my 'down' phases lasts longer and longer. But I can honestly say that I've been focussing on ou Heavenly Father lately and his Promise that everything will be ok, and I feel a lot better. I prayed to him to give me the knowledge to do something to get the business out of this hole, and I've been wracking my brain lately. From selling the business, buying the business and loans or the boss selling his house. Faxing through ads to our old customers, current customers and new customers. So far it hasn't really helped, but one can still hope. If things don't change soon or a miracle doesn't come our way we will all be out of work within a month or two. The worst part of that will be that my boss (FIL) will lose his house and everything which means that my dear MIL, who's still working at 60+ (struggling with a bad back and osteoperosis) will have to bloody work till she dies. This is really so unfair. And on top of that we'll have to cancel the medical aid, which means my BIL can't get his kidney. I'm so afraid for what the future holds for us, but I know we'll be ok, but how can I help my MIL to make her 'old day' a better one than the one she's facing? How can I help my BIL to get his kidney without money? Even though it's very cruel of me to think that way, it seems like the only way we'll get out of this crap is if someone dies and the insurance pays out. Hopefully we'll find a solution very soon.

I contacted my fs last week and he advised me that the best option for me at this stage will be surrogacy. I can't afford that. So this is the end of my ttc journey. At least for now. There's too much going on in my life at this stage in any case to really worry about ttc now.

The company I work for is in HUGE financial difficulty and I really don't know how long it'll be before we close our doors. Then my DH and I will both be out of work. I just don't know what to do to improve things as we have the kidney worry as well now and if our doors close, we'll have to resign our medical aid as well.Things are just so unsure right now and I spent my days praying to God that all will be well and doing my best to believe that it is. There's just some moments that I feel as though I'm choking or suffocating. I wake up in the middle of the night and have trouble falling asleep again. Then I just lay in bed praying and thanking God for everything I have that I don't thank him for. I don't know what the future holds, but at this moment I do still have a job, house, car, food, love and loads of other things that lots and lots of people don't have and that's reason enough to be very thankfull. And I am.

Feeling lost

I'm really trying to just let go of everything in my life that's bothering me, but it's really hard. Never in my life have I been able to not worry. I worry about everything.

So I had that microscopic splash about two weeks ago and two more, half a day apart. The irony of this whole Asherman's thing is that if my boy had lived I would have welcomed it with open arms. Now I really detest it with all I am, and the sad part is that I can't do anything about it. And it looks like no amount of surgeries I do will help. I am no closer to actively trying than I was two and a half years ago. The difference is that then I didn't know what I know now, and it seems like sometimes it's better to not know.

How do you know when to give up? I've prayed and prayed and tried to be strong. How do I know that what I'm praying for is God's plan for my life? How do I know what I'm praying for is NOT God's plan for my life, and that I'm just a tad impatient? I know that I can only by miracle become pregnant at this stage of my life and accept that - I just wish it was easier to just forget and move on. You know, let things happen when they happen, if they happen, but I need to somehow feel a bit 'in control'. I know, that's my whole problem, but it's not easy to just fall into a river, not knowing if you can swim.

Through all of evryting else that's going on (or not going on) in my life I'm so thankfull for my wonderfull husband and absolutely stunning son. They are absolutely a tower of strength.

I don't say it nearly enough but 'Thank you God for giving me these two people in my life whom I don't deserve. They are too good for me.'

Don't know what to think?!

Ok, it should be 'that time' of the month. I've had the headache. No sore boobs - but that doesn't always happen.... Had the depro stage - still having it. No period. I had the lightest of light pink speck yesterday afternoon, but nothing since. Does this mean I won't get a period? Or am I pregnant? Please don't mind me for not being excited, but I have been for so long that I'm really tired of this roller coaster. As I mentioned before, I'm still in the depro phase of PMS. I just feel like I need to put my head under a pillow and keep it there.

Done and dusted!

Well, we went for the tests on Friday and got the results yesterday. We are both a match. DH needs to lose a couple of kilo's and is the best choice as they don't have to go through the Dept of Health and all of that shlep, which we'll have to if I donate, but I'll still prefer to do it. We'll just have to wait and see what the other tests show - if either or both of us is healthy enough.

Speaking of which - I feel terrible. When we came home on Friday I had a massive hayfever attach and have been coldish/fluish since then. I stayed at home on Monday and Tuesday as my little boy is also sick. He was a bit of a prem and is prone to get a bad chest when a cold hits. I just hope he behaves today and doesn't run around as he is still not 100%.

To come back to the kidney thing - if DH donates they said we're talking about six weeks to two months. If I donate we're talking about eight to ten months. I can't understand how the Dept of Health can take so long with something so important! I really don't know if I can be the strong one to carry my hubby through this. We'll have to go to Jhb for the op and stay a couple of days and I don't do well in big strange places - I'd much rather be the one in the hospital bed! Call me crazy.

Relief

Phew!! I phoned this morning to find out exactly what they do when performing the cross-match test and it's blood tests. I was so relieved!! A weight off my shoulders. There will be more bloodtests and urine tests and a renal angoigram, but that's only when a match has been established. Hopefully I'm a match, but hell, that renal angiogram sounds hell of a scary!! But in the end it's worth it. I'm not (yet) scared of the op - I've had two c-sections, my appendix removed, a laparoscopy and three hysteroscopies. I don't think it can be worse than a c-section. The biggest problem will be that it's very cold in Jo'burg in June/July!

I'm not superstitious. At all. But it really seems like we're having seven years of bad luck. Starting September 2002. But wait, then it must be over by now. How long will this unlucky streak last? What will still have to happen before it ends? I mean, six people died since then, one has life-threatening medical problems, finances have been very rocky. And oh yes - my roof leaks. That's probably very low on a serious priority list, but we can't seem to save enough to fix it. Just when I think we can do it something comes up. A visit to my gynea, which usually includes a 300+km drive there (and back) and then a sleep-over in a guest house - depending on what has to be done. And now these tests. Well, hopefully one of us can donate and then we don't have to search any further. Hold thumbs. Hopefully this will be the end of our lack of luck.

Turning point?

Well, I expected this to happen, I just didn't know when. My brother-in-law only has one kidney which isn't working at the moment. He's on permanent dialisis, twice weekly. His doctor, a nephrologist, said that he must get a transplant ASAP. We have to go for tests. Or not HAVE to, I volunteered. How can you not when he's got a little boy of just six? I know that some people can survive for years on dialisis alone, but if his doctor said he needs a transplant, he probably needs it right? Well, my hubby and me will be going for the tests in a day or two and I'm actually scred stiff. I sent an email to my FS to just make sure all is ok as I thought my urether and fallopian tube was connected at some point, but he explaned what's going on (something about the fact that I don't have an endometrium the dye went straight through my bood vessels into my kidney. Weird.) and said that I can go by all means. I was actually disappointed. In some part of me I hoped he would say that I can't. Selfish? I know. But I'll do it - not because I have to, but because I want to. I'm just scared. And it's not even established yet that I'll be a match, it's just tests that scare me. Stupid. Well that will put a hold on any and all ttc plans we have for at least a couple of months if I'm a match. Wouldn't it be ironic if I'm actually pregnant now and don't know it?  It's too soon to do any testing for that yet.

I just hope and pray that SOMEONE is a match for him and if both me and my hubby is, I would rather do it than have him do it. I think he needs his kidneys more than I need mine.

Overwhelmed

Don't you wake up some mornings and just feel overwhelmed? Like you're drowning? That's how I felt this morning waking up. For no particular reason. Luckily for me I had this little ray of sunshine walk into my bedroom and climb in bed with me for a couple of minutes. That was awesome, so soothing. I love him so much. I'm really so gratefull to have him. He gave me the strength to get up and face the day. I don't know what I'll do when he gets to the stage of 'don't kiss me in front of my friends'. Although it hasn't bothered him yet, and I will probably just ignore his protests and kiss him anyways. It's my fuel. Hugs and kisses.

Wow, what a weekend!!

I survived!! I can't believe it!! I think I need another weekend to recover, but it was really nice having my folks for the weekend.

I don't know why I feel so down and tired ALL THE TIME. I think I must be taking too much hormones - it can't be a lack of them!! Today is one of those days again where I wish I could just crawl under my desk and stay there for the rest of the day. But luckily I haven't done that yet.

I should be nearing ovulation, I think, but will have to wait and see. I hate this slow proccess of waiting, seeing and then doing and getting nowhere. Or at least it feels that way.

I saw my pregnant friend yesterday and she looked absolutely stunning. She'll be delivering within a month and is recovering well from her illness. And although I'm so happy for her I just feel an overwhelming sadness that it won't be me ever again. Will someone stab me in the heart already?! I wish it was something that one could just 'get over' easily and painlessly, but everytime I think like that I get this overwhelming feeling of someone choking me. I wish it would stop.

Easter weekend

Luckily I didn't have any violent dreams again last night!!

My Mom and Stepdad are coming to visit this weekend and I'm so excited. There's nothing like spending easter weekend with family. So now I'm going to try and relax and just enjoy this weekend.

Someone once sent me this scripture and I really am trying to live my life according to it, even though it doesn't seem like it at times.

John 14:27 says: "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

For everyone I wish a peacefull and blessed Easter.

Start of a new week

Monday. I hope today is going to be a good day. As usual, I couldn't sleep last night and thought of everything that could have been and should have been. And what did I do to deserve this. Is it because of my dad? I don't know. I haven't had contact with my dad for more than seven years. His reaction when I told him I was pregnant with my first boy was ' we'll see'. Huh?! We'll see what? I had a very difficult pregnancy that time. I ended up in hospital a couple of times with Placenta Previa and my son was born prem at 35 weeks. He didn't even phone afterwards to find out if he was healthy, or alive, for that matter. I worry about him sometimes, and feel guilty, but how can you force someone to care or love someone when they're just not interrested? I refuse to waste my time like that. My son doesn't know he has another granddad and I'm not planning on telling him anytime soon. I won't go into my childhood memories now, just know that they're not good.

I haven't heard from my FS yet. He's probably overseas - he's quite the globe trotter!! I've decided to count my cycle from my little splash I had last week, instead of starting my Provera on Thursday, and then I'll see what happens. If Af shows her head in the mean time, great!! If not, I'll just have to wait and see what happens after I take the Provera. So today will then be CD5.

This has been such a rollercoaster ride and the irony is that if my boy had lived I would have welcomed Asherman's with open arms. I previously had terribly heavy periods and now just a splash, which obviously isn't good when ttc.

I know it's a terrible thought (dream) but I had a dream last night of smashing something very heavy in my previous gynea's face! He was my gynea when I was pregnant with my little angel. He was the one I went to when I realised something wasn't right after his birth. He was the one who did my first two surgeries. He was the one who told me, after my second surgery, that my tubes are both blocked. He was the one who damaged me further in my second surgery that my period didn't return, at all. I ran into him a while back and he asked me what's going on and I told him in broad strokes and also highlighted the fact that my one tube is actually open, after which he smiled and said that 'now we can make babies again'. That actually happened, but in my dream that was the last straw and I just took something, I think it was a pot plant, and just smashed it in his face. I know I have anger issues, but luckily in my dream no one died. If he had just considered life more important than his beauty sleep!!

Thank goodness it's weekend - well, almost!!

Oh my word!! As if I haven't got enough to do, everyone keeps interrupting my work to ask me stupid questions which I don't know the answer to. I mean, if I'm not involved in a specific situation, would I know the answer to a question relating to that situation? Do I look like I know what everyone's doing and thinking? I don't know EVERYTHING!!

I think these damn hormones are stuffing my brain up!! I've seriously got a chemical imbalance!! I feel so frustrated. Probably mostly because I'm so dissappointed. I just wish I could wipe the last three years out and do it again. I would absolutely do some things differently. And then I would enjoy and appreciate my pregnancy more. I never thought that I would not be able to have more kids. I never thought that I would have to bury a child. I never thought that I would walk around with such a pain in my chest and eyes burning from unshed tears. I did thought however that something so dramatic would make me let go and just break down. That hasn't happened yet. Guess I'm stronger than I thought though it doesn't feel like it from this side. I don't do things (even to get out of bed) because I want to, but because I have to. Because if I don't, there's no-one else to get up and do what I'm supposed to do. My motivation in life is my beautifull, 6 year old boy. And just the thought of losing him too brings tears to my eyes. I can't understand how so many people gets given the gift of life just to neglect and break them. A child is the most precious gift in life and if those fortunate people can just take a look around they'll see how many of us are longing to hold a tiny body in our arms. To feel those little feet kick in your belly. Maybe they can try and appreciate their children more. Just remember - a precious gift like this can be taken away just as easily as it was given.

A prayer

Dear God, with this prayer

I call to mind my friends.

I ask for your blessings on them.

May angels fill their nights

And bless their days.

as well as their families

May they find joy and peace and harmony.

May I be a source of happiness in their lives.

May our bond be strong and based on truth.

May they always know that

In me, there is love & they have support.

I love them Lord, will you please keep them.

May I live a life that

lives up to this prayer.

Thank you God...Amen.

Let the day begin

Today is going to be hectic. Luckily I will be so busy with month-end duties that I will have no or little chance to think of anything else.

I sent an e-mail to my fs yesterday and hope he replies today. After almost three years of waiting for the next cycle to see what will happen, I'm exhausted. I want to be fixed now. I want to be able to have proper hope every month.

So, let the day begin.....

Journey to God

Journey to God

Anyone looking for inspiration can have a look at this. God's Girl has carried me through this these last couple of months, going through something similar. Her story so far, though has a happy ending, whereas I'm still waiting for mine.

GG, if you somehow get to my site, congrats on the birth of you beautiful baby girl a.k.a. God's Miracle!!

Fertilicare - South Africa - Online Infertility Support Community

Nobody would probably admit this, but a 'safe haven' is addictive!! This is my little peace of heaven where I can go to and communicate with people who have the closest idea of what I'm going through.

Fertilicare - South Africa - Online Infertility Support Community

A bad day

I'm probably starting this on a whim, but I get really bad days and today is one of them. I feel so depressed today I just feel like crying. I had an op two weeks ago with very high hopes and now it seems like I'm back to square one. I can't take this anymore, but how can I quit? I don't think I can. I would not only be depriving my son of a sibling but myself of my dream. How can one move on when someone has stolen so much from you? Not only my child, but also my ability to conceive and carry a child. And there's nothing I can do about it except for procedure after procedure to try and repair the damage. I take my hat of to Dr D. Not anyone would consider attempting to fix someone else's mess. I hope and pray that next month will be a better one.

Dear Lord,

Thank you so much for everything I have and everything I am. You do so much without me asking and yet I somehow forget to thank You. Please help me to rise above this and take this hopeless and helpless feeling from me as I know in You ANYTHING is possible. Bless my family today Lord.

Thank You
Amen