I went for another interview this morning .... the GM didn't even pitch. I don't think I want to work for someone like that. And the salary is not what I want it to be. Man, I wish I could just magically do something and everything will be better. For everyone. Every night when I go to bed I pray to God to give me the insight and knowledge to make things better for all of us. I don't want much, I don't want to be rich, I just want enough to get out of this shit. I want the family business to be able to cope for at least the time it'll take for the kidney transplant to happen. And I want another job. I can usually cope under pressure and do my best work at time like that - you know, when you've got purpose. But the atmosphere here is just toxic and I can't take it anymore. The other day my boss (FIL) went on a shouting spree and I sort of mumbled I wish he would just not shout and he said it's his place and he can shout all he wants and if someone doesn't like it they must take their things and f$%&off. I am truly miserable and even though I try to fight it and try to control it, my moods or depression or whatever you call them are back. I just feel like crying and wish a car would hit me. Sad, I know. I should probably go see someone, but when I found out the costs involved with a psychiatrist (needed a report for the transplant) I nearly fell on my back. For someone to (try to) sort me out it's going to take a whole shitload of money. I've got lots and lots of issues going WAAAAYYY back. I just try to not show them, but as time goes by and as they multiply it gets harder and harder.

Just adding fuel to the fire, my BIL's nephrologist said that the kidney thing is definitely a hereditary condition and we should at some stage consider testing our boy. Great!

I didn't get the job! I'm heartbroken. It was the ideal opportunity for me. Great salary, half day. Bliss. I would've been able to spend more time with my boy and do more things that I've always wanted to. Now I have to look further and hope I stay sane enough to go for interviews. I hate not being a 'people's person'. unfortunately I am not one of those people who can lie and say that they can do things that they can't. But fortunately for me I'm an incredible fast learner. I still remember the first day I walked into my first job. This is actually a very funny story....

The first company I worked for (a pharmacy) had three directors. Two 'older' gentlemen, best friends and a younger guy (he was more the manager, the other two didn't like dealing with 'issues'). The one older guy looked exactly like a teacher in my High school - he was kicked out because he was running a brothel on the side (the teacher, that is)!! I got such a fright walking in there for the first time, thinking what the hell was he doing here!?!?! But in the end I got to love him like I did my Granddad. He was such a loving, caring gentleman and passed away when I was pregnant with my eldest (colon cancer). It broke my heart.

Anyways, I got side tracked - the first day I walked in there and thought he was an ex brothel owner, I asked him where I should switch on the computer and he told be he'll be f*#$&d if he knows, he'll get someone. Oh man, I laughed. If I think what I've learned in the last twelve years.... It's just a pity people don't want to give you a chance if you haven't got the papers. Unfortunately not all of us are in positions to study further.

Well, we went to Jhb for the renal ct scan on Friday (TRAFFIC!!) and guess what. DH also has a underdeveloped kidney. So he's out. Now it's me. Problem is - our medical aid is now kapoet. With me donating it has to go to the Dept of Health and they said it could take three to six months. Now we obviously need to pay the accounts and claim back once the transplant is done, but I don't have ten grand for all the tests to do that - especially since the dr said he's not doing the op until my BIL stops smoking, and he hasn't yet. And if I should also fall out of the bus we are responsible for those accounts, so I don't want to do any of this on credit. So confused as to what to do because I really want to help him. Guess I'll have to pull out my bag of tricks and start maiking magic chilli relish!

I think (hope) it went ok. Please Lord, if this is meant to be, please let it be. It seems like the answer to my problems at the moment.

We'll be going to Jhb for tests again on Friday. Please hold thumbs that there doesn't pop up a broblem now.

I have an interview tomorrow! Very nervous!

I'm sick. Nothing serious, just a bad cold. But when you don't feel well physically, you tend to also not feel well emotionally. So I'm a bit fragile at the moment. I insisted that my DH go to the dr yesterday as he also has a nasty cough (have to do a chest x-ray yesterday for the transplant and I don't want something to be wrong) and he tagged me along. So at least I have some meds and should be fine again in a day or two. Luckily it's weekend. Yay.

My DH sold almost all my chilli again yesterday. So we're standing on about 111 bottles sold so far. Hopefully it keeps going like this. Hopefully the demand will be so great soon that we can't keep up!

I must admit - I've been lazy this last couple of days. I sold my last couple of bottles of chilli and haven't made any more yet. But we got the ingredients and will be making again tonight. I would love to be able to quit my job and do it full time, but we've still got a long way to go to do that.

My BIL went in for a fistula op on Monday and the dr said that once we've done the renal angiogram (next week Friday) we must go up to JHB again in about a week's time for the appointments with the surgeons and some blood tests again and then in about a week from then they'll do the transplant. I'm so happy for my BIL that this is coming to a point now, but at the same time I'm absolutely terrified. Having to deal with my DH's pain (he hasn't been for more than three op's in his life), the hectic JHB traffic etc. (I will NEVER send him to do this on his own) and then the fact that two of the three technicians in our business will be out of action for a couple of weeks is really scary. How will we survive this financially when things are rocky on a good day at the moment? I hate having to worry about money. It's an earthly thing that definately doesn't buy happiness but without it ...... I pray every day that God gives me the strength to cope with anything through the day and the wisdome to make the right choices in everything I do. I will keep on doing that and just try not to think about tomorrow as that makes me scared. I just hope and pray that everything will go well with this op.