Don't know what to think?!

Ok, it should be 'that time' of the month. I've had the headache. No sore boobs - but that doesn't always happen.... Had the depro stage - still having it. No period. I had the lightest of light pink speck yesterday afternoon, but nothing since. Does this mean I won't get a period? Or am I pregnant? Please don't mind me for not being excited, but I have been for so long that I'm really tired of this roller coaster. As I mentioned before, I'm still in the depro phase of PMS. I just feel like I need to put my head under a pillow and keep it there.

Done and dusted!

Well, we went for the tests on Friday and got the results yesterday. We are both a match. DH needs to lose a couple of kilo's and is the best choice as they don't have to go through the Dept of Health and all of that shlep, which we'll have to if I donate, but I'll still prefer to do it. We'll just have to wait and see what the other tests show - if either or both of us is healthy enough.

Speaking of which - I feel terrible. When we came home on Friday I had a massive hayfever attach and have been coldish/fluish since then. I stayed at home on Monday and Tuesday as my little boy is also sick. He was a bit of a prem and is prone to get a bad chest when a cold hits. I just hope he behaves today and doesn't run around as he is still not 100%.

To come back to the kidney thing - if DH donates they said we're talking about six weeks to two months. If I donate we're talking about eight to ten months. I can't understand how the Dept of Health can take so long with something so important! I really don't know if I can be the strong one to carry my hubby through this. We'll have to go to Jhb for the op and stay a couple of days and I don't do well in big strange places - I'd much rather be the one in the hospital bed! Call me crazy.

Relief

Phew!! I phoned this morning to find out exactly what they do when performing the cross-match test and it's blood tests. I was so relieved!! A weight off my shoulders. There will be more bloodtests and urine tests and a renal angoigram, but that's only when a match has been established. Hopefully I'm a match, but hell, that renal angiogram sounds hell of a scary!! But in the end it's worth it. I'm not (yet) scared of the op - I've had two c-sections, my appendix removed, a laparoscopy and three hysteroscopies. I don't think it can be worse than a c-section. The biggest problem will be that it's very cold in Jo'burg in June/July!

I'm not superstitious. At all. But it really seems like we're having seven years of bad luck. Starting September 2002. But wait, then it must be over by now. How long will this unlucky streak last? What will still have to happen before it ends? I mean, six people died since then, one has life-threatening medical problems, finances have been very rocky. And oh yes - my roof leaks. That's probably very low on a serious priority list, but we can't seem to save enough to fix it. Just when I think we can do it something comes up. A visit to my gynea, which usually includes a 300+km drive there (and back) and then a sleep-over in a guest house - depending on what has to be done. And now these tests. Well, hopefully one of us can donate and then we don't have to search any further. Hold thumbs. Hopefully this will be the end of our lack of luck.

Turning point?

Well, I expected this to happen, I just didn't know when. My brother-in-law only has one kidney which isn't working at the moment. He's on permanent dialisis, twice weekly. His doctor, a nephrologist, said that he must get a transplant ASAP. We have to go for tests. Or not HAVE to, I volunteered. How can you not when he's got a little boy of just six? I know that some people can survive for years on dialisis alone, but if his doctor said he needs a transplant, he probably needs it right? Well, my hubby and me will be going for the tests in a day or two and I'm actually scred stiff. I sent an email to my FS to just make sure all is ok as I thought my urether and fallopian tube was connected at some point, but he explaned what's going on (something about the fact that I don't have an endometrium the dye went straight through my bood vessels into my kidney. Weird.) and said that I can go by all means. I was actually disappointed. In some part of me I hoped he would say that I can't. Selfish? I know. But I'll do it - not because I have to, but because I want to. I'm just scared. And it's not even established yet that I'll be a match, it's just tests that scare me. Stupid. Well that will put a hold on any and all ttc plans we have for at least a couple of months if I'm a match. Wouldn't it be ironic if I'm actually pregnant now and don't know it?  It's too soon to do any testing for that yet.

I just hope and pray that SOMEONE is a match for him and if both me and my hubby is, I would rather do it than have him do it. I think he needs his kidneys more than I need mine.

Overwhelmed

Don't you wake up some mornings and just feel overwhelmed? Like you're drowning? That's how I felt this morning waking up. For no particular reason. Luckily for me I had this little ray of sunshine walk into my bedroom and climb in bed with me for a couple of minutes. That was awesome, so soothing. I love him so much. I'm really so gratefull to have him. He gave me the strength to get up and face the day. I don't know what I'll do when he gets to the stage of 'don't kiss me in front of my friends'. Although it hasn't bothered him yet, and I will probably just ignore his protests and kiss him anyways. It's my fuel. Hugs and kisses.

Wow, what a weekend!!

I survived!! I can't believe it!! I think I need another weekend to recover, but it was really nice having my folks for the weekend.

I don't know why I feel so down and tired ALL THE TIME. I think I must be taking too much hormones - it can't be a lack of them!! Today is one of those days again where I wish I could just crawl under my desk and stay there for the rest of the day. But luckily I haven't done that yet.

I should be nearing ovulation, I think, but will have to wait and see. I hate this slow proccess of waiting, seeing and then doing and getting nowhere. Or at least it feels that way.

I saw my pregnant friend yesterday and she looked absolutely stunning. She'll be delivering within a month and is recovering well from her illness. And although I'm so happy for her I just feel an overwhelming sadness that it won't be me ever again. Will someone stab me in the heart already?! I wish it was something that one could just 'get over' easily and painlessly, but everytime I think like that I get this overwhelming feeling of someone choking me. I wish it would stop.