Start of a new week

Monday. I hope today is going to be a good day. As usual, I couldn't sleep last night and thought of everything that could have been and should have been. And what did I do to deserve this. Is it because of my dad? I don't know. I haven't had contact with my dad for more than seven years. His reaction when I told him I was pregnant with my first boy was ' we'll see'. Huh?! We'll see what? I had a very difficult pregnancy that time. I ended up in hospital a couple of times with Placenta Previa and my son was born prem at 35 weeks. He didn't even phone afterwards to find out if he was healthy, or alive, for that matter. I worry about him sometimes, and feel guilty, but how can you force someone to care or love someone when they're just not interrested? I refuse to waste my time like that. My son doesn't know he has another granddad and I'm not planning on telling him anytime soon. I won't go into my childhood memories now, just know that they're not good.

I haven't heard from my FS yet. He's probably overseas - he's quite the globe trotter!! I've decided to count my cycle from my little splash I had last week, instead of starting my Provera on Thursday, and then I'll see what happens. If Af shows her head in the mean time, great!! If not, I'll just have to wait and see what happens after I take the Provera. So today will then be CD5.

This has been such a rollercoaster ride and the irony is that if my boy had lived I would have welcomed Asherman's with open arms. I previously had terribly heavy periods and now just a splash, which obviously isn't good when ttc.

I know it's a terrible thought (dream) but I had a dream last night of smashing something very heavy in my previous gynea's face! He was my gynea when I was pregnant with my little angel. He was the one I went to when I realised something wasn't right after his birth. He was the one who did my first two surgeries. He was the one who told me, after my second surgery, that my tubes are both blocked. He was the one who damaged me further in my second surgery that my period didn't return, at all. I ran into him a while back and he asked me what's going on and I told him in broad strokes and also highlighted the fact that my one tube is actually open, after which he smiled and said that 'now we can make babies again'. That actually happened, but in my dream that was the last straw and I just took something, I think it was a pot plant, and just smashed it in his face. I know I have anger issues, but luckily in my dream no one died. If he had just considered life more important than his beauty sleep!!