I went for another interview this morning .... the GM didn't even pitch. I don't think I want to work for someone like that. And the salary is not what I want it to be. Man, I wish I could just magically do something and everything will be better. For everyone. Every night when I go to bed I pray to God to give me the insight and knowledge to make things better for all of us. I don't want much, I don't want to be rich, I just want enough to get out of this shit. I want the family business to be able to cope for at least the time it'll take for the kidney transplant to happen. And I want another job. I can usually cope under pressure and do my best work at time like that - you know, when you've got purpose. But the atmosphere here is just toxic and I can't take it anymore. The other day my boss (FIL) went on a shouting spree and I sort of mumbled I wish he would just not shout and he said it's his place and he can shout all he wants and if someone doesn't like it they must take their things and f$%&off. I am truly miserable and even though I try to fight it and try to control it, my moods or depression or whatever you call them are back. I just feel like crying and wish a car would hit me. Sad, I know. I should probably go see someone, but when I found out the costs involved with a psychiatrist (needed a report for the transplant) I nearly fell on my back. For someone to (try to) sort me out it's going to take a whole shitload of money. I've got lots and lots of issues going WAAAAYYY back. I just try to not show them, but as time goes by and as they multiply it gets harder and harder.

Just adding fuel to the fire, my BIL's nephrologist said that the kidney thing is definitely a hereditary condition and we should at some stage consider testing our boy. Great!