Feeling lost

I'm really trying to just let go of everything in my life that's bothering me, but it's really hard. Never in my life have I been able to not worry. I worry about everything.

So I had that microscopic splash about two weeks ago and two more, half a day apart. The irony of this whole Asherman's thing is that if my boy had lived I would have welcomed it with open arms. Now I really detest it with all I am, and the sad part is that I can't do anything about it. And it looks like no amount of surgeries I do will help. I am no closer to actively trying than I was two and a half years ago. The difference is that then I didn't know what I know now, and it seems like sometimes it's better to not know.

How do you know when to give up? I've prayed and prayed and tried to be strong. How do I know that what I'm praying for is God's plan for my life? How do I know what I'm praying for is NOT God's plan for my life, and that I'm just a tad impatient? I know that I can only by miracle become pregnant at this stage of my life and accept that - I just wish it was easier to just forget and move on. You know, let things happen when they happen, if they happen, but I need to somehow feel a bit 'in control'. I know, that's my whole problem, but it's not easy to just fall into a river, not knowing if you can swim.

Through all of evryting else that's going on (or not going on) in my life I'm so thankfull for my wonderfull husband and absolutely stunning son. They are absolutely a tower of strength.

I don't say it nearly enough but 'Thank you God for giving me these two people in my life whom I don't deserve. They are too good for me.'